Assalamualaikum wmt wbr. The peace is upon you.
My life changed when I found Islam. Ironically, I found Islam in UK and not in Malaysia.
What a bizzare statement to say, but let me tell you my reflection on Islam when I grew up. In my earlier life, I viewed Islam as a culture that had a long list of dos and don'ts. Basically it was a set of strict law, full stop! What I had learnt through out my school years shaped that paradigm. From what I can remember, Pendidikan Islam was mainly focusing on teaching the hukm( halal, haram, wajib, sunat, harus, syarat wajib, rukun, etc). Maybe because it was public school (probably I might have a different view if I was in islamic school). Maybe it was the the syllabus. Maybe because everyone thought that was the important bit in Islamic study. But one thing for sure, I didn't know Islam beyond that. I'm not saying that it's wrong to learn the syariat or fiqh part of Islam, it is in fact vital, however if your view on Islam is just a mere set of law, it's almost impossible to have an intimate relationship with it. There's a deeper understanding that one needs to achieve before advancing to shariat study. This understanding will get you to a sense of awe and fulfillment for this deen. And that is the Aqeedah(knot) part, which is the root of Islamic principle.
I did learn Aqeedah in school but it was just a mere memorization of tauhid rububiyyah, uluhiyyah, and asma was sifat ( back in my sekolah agama kebangsaan, they even taught us sifat 20 which I can still rhyme on top of my head.. thanks to Raihan). Not forgetting the 6 pillars of belief that you need to remember and MUST BE in it's order(percaya kepada Rasul is at no 4, it's like a major sin if you put at no 2 or any other number). That mere memorization plus with the goal was only to score an A in the exam made the whole lesson lost its soul. I didn't know what's the point, or to be more accurate, I wasn't guided to the point. Not blaming my ustaz and ustazahs but that was(or still is?) how education system in Malaysia. We were taught to store information, not analyse them. I might have lots of information about Islam, but it didn't lead me to comprehension, understanding and sound knowledge.
So I grew up with that superficial understanding of Islam. To be frank, it was more like a blind-faith than a proper adamant yaqeen. My belief was not based on deep understanding, but only a cooked-up rhetoric of "Islam is The Way of Life". In my late teenage-early adulthood time, I struggled with a major internal conflict. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted to become, I wasn't sure of what's right or wrong. I sensed emptiness in my heart and the more I fed it with entertainment, music, movies, and all that 'dunya' stuffs, the more soulless I felt. Numb and empty. In that long struggle between good and bad inside me, I lunged myself to that last 'faith in Islam' that I clung onto so closely but understood so little. I always questioned myself, "I'm a muslim because I was born into it, but if I were born a non-muslim, would I be a muslim?". It disturbed me deeply that my faith might just be by upbringing, not by my own independent choice. That conflict lasted for years from my high school till my undergraduate time in Belfast.
I remember that night after finishing isya' prayer at BIC(Belfast Islamic Center), I felt so overwhelmed with my own personal issues and confusion that I wept. In that state of broken and weakness, I begged to Allah for His guidance. I was being honest, pouring out all of my concerns that I couldn't possibly get a teacher that could sit with me and taught me about His Deen. I didn't have the time and the opportunity. But I knew so little and I so long to learn about His Deen. So I made the most honest doa that I could muster. Little that I know that later on, He met me with a teacher greater than I could ever imagine. A teacher that could teach me anytime and anywhere that I'm available. A teacher most suiting to my style of learning. He connected me to Qalamullah, and there's no other way to know Islam and to find Allah other than through His Own Speech. Alhamdulillah, Allah made me find Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan. I subscribed to bayyinahtv and I have access to a gigantic library of Quranic tafseer and lectures. May Allah reward him with the best of blessings. May Allah affirm his heart to the truth till the end. Amin.
And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided (2:186)
I found myself obsessed with the Quran as I went from one video on tafseer/tadabbur to another. My sole purpose was to understand what My Rabb says to the whole humankind/jinnkind in the Quran. I wanted to listen to what Allah says by His own words, not by others who're trying to explain what He says. Let the author of Islam tell Himself. I put aside any other book because I felt I don't do justice if I don't go through the Quran first. And the experience I had was indescribable. There are no words to describe the impact of His Words had on me. I felt reunited back to my Maker. I felt whole. I now understand the haqiqat of an 'abd(servant) submitting to his Illah. My solat started to have meaning because it was no longer just 'going through auto-motions'. Everything felt so clear and made sense. To be honest, I felt like a new revert. I finally believe that I independently chose this Deen. It is a very personal relationship between you and Your Maker, and personal is clandestine.
And they fall upon their faces weeping, and the Qur'an increases them in humble submission. (17:109)
So I don't have a proper islamic teaching like those who take Islamic studies. I'm not even from islamic schools. I don't learn Islam through a conventional way where a teacher sitting in front of me, going through from one kitab to another. I study medicine and it takes up most of my time. What I have is the internet and that's all I have. So I use it to watch videos, read articles, listen to islamic lectures whenever I can. And mind you, if you really seek, it's not even difficult to have access to all these knowledge. Hence the reason why I see myself as penanggok hikmah. Penanggok means the one who sieve, and hikmah means wisdom. The one who sieve wisdom. Because whatever opportunity that I get to gain wisdom from anywhere or anyone, I'll take it. Islam is for every humankind regardless of their background. It is relevant to a farmer in the time of Rasulullah SAW, and so is to a prime minister in the 12th century. It's not exclusive to certain elites, in fact it is inclusive to everyone. It's not made for perfect people, it's for people who want and struggle on the right path regardless of his past mistakes.
May Allah guide us to the truth, to the path that earns His pleasure. Amin
Guide us to the straight path(1:6). The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray.(1:7)
Assalamualaikum wmt wbr. The peace is upon you.
